Kari tried to hide her flushed cheeks and mascara smeared eyes from
passer byers. She fussed
with her green cotton hoodie, pulling the zipper up to her chin as she attempted to balance the two plastic
bags in her other hand. If they were heavier she would have put them down, but she
knew she didn't have much time.
A few college aged girls gave her a sidewise glance,
probably because she was using her hair as an awkward and unbecoming beard. They however went back to their conversations
as they walked through the automatic doors, complaining about a stuffy old English
professor who had given them too much homework. Kari knew she had but moments
to compose herself and throw those walls back up she had been so used to using
lately.
Kari was never really sure what love felt like. Was this it? She had always imaged a caring, compromising, honest and loving relationship, stuff made from fairy tales. Of course, you and your lover would have a few spats, but you forgave each other quickly, after which you would share a rich chocolate dessert, while he traced your face with his fingers and lovingly comforted you
with his consoling eyes.
Kari wished it
was like that. In her experience love was more like him yelling at you and
blaming you for the mess in the apartment, where you don’t even live, or more
frequently for flirting with the guy
in the soap aisle. Later on he would mutter something about how he was sorry
about what he said, although he still believed you did something wrong, as he
tried to make a move in bed. It was never sincere, just enough for him to get by.
She tried to rethink the situation. How did she approach
the guy in the soap aisle? Did she smile too widely? Did she stand too closely?
Was her gentle touch to his upper bicep a sign of flirtation or comfort when he
told her his dad had died last week? Should she not say hi to guys she went to
high school with when running into them in public?
Kari was very confused as to what she did wrong, and couldn't
seem to pinpoint it. She finally came to the conclusion that she must have been
standing too close. Okay, she knew she was standing too close to this guy she
went to high school with. Maggie should
have picked up on that when Marcus thrusted his hand toward Jonathan’s stomach
in an aggressive handshaking gesture that seemed to say, ‘Hey, this is my girl. Get your
own.’
Kari always reminded herself that she liked men who were
straight forward. He wasn't being a jerk he was being a protector. She wasn't
going to introduce Marcus as her boyfriend until after she had asked what Jonathan
had been up to. Kari thought it was only polite to ask him questions about
himself before talking about her own life.
Maybe that is not something you do
anymore when you’re in a relationship? That is why Marcus had been so angry.
Well, that made sense, Kari decided. See, she had not thought about how her
actions had made Marcus feel. He had felt insignificant, threatened, second
best, to this Jonathan from the soap aisle. She had not reassured him as the
man in her life.
Kari loved reading the books that her mom had given her when she turned 13 years old, about how to be a supportive and loving spouse. All she wanted in life was to have that loving man. Kari’s mom wished she would find a man to love that would treat her right,
unlike her mom’s ex-husband who had never been a part of Kari’s child hood. Although,
he made sporadic visits and promised plans that never came true, after
reuniting himself with her on her 16th birthday, Kari never saw
him as her father.
Kari felt the swift and cold swoosh of air, as the automatic
doors opened and an enraged Marcus came fuming toward her. His red hair was on
fire, and fists clenched to his side. His biceps were taut and his face looked
like stone, on the verge of cracking. He glared down at her as he approached Kari from the left, blocking the sun she had been standing under. He demanded
to know why she had walked away after they had bid Jonathan goodbye in the soap
aisle. Kari had prepared herself for this. She looked around her and noticed
a young family walking toward them.
The radiant blonde mother was pushing her
newborn baby boy in a stroller and her little girl was skipping as she held
hands with her dad, ponytail swaying from side to side. Kari looked
cautiously at Marcus and gently urged him with the sweetest voice of honey
should could muster, “Sweetie, can we step around the corner here and talk?”
This only seemed to enrage Marcus further. His face became
more rigid as before and he scowled down at her and gritted through his teeth, “Are
you embarrassed of me? Are you scared these strangers will hear how un-loyal
you are?” his voice tones rising with every other word. He turned to the couple
and raised his chest in the air in a, ‘Come and get me’ manner, similar to something
an ape would do on the discovery channel. They didn't see him, thank God, and
walked on through the doors.
“No, that is not what
I said or meant.” Kari tried slowly as she discreetly tried to corral him
around the corner by walking around him as she spoke. He caught her elbow and
held her tight in place. Kari’s pulse began to rise. The grip was white
knuckled and desperate. “Marcus, please. You’re hurting me.” She slowly stated
in a calm demeanor, trying not to let her voice shake as she taught herself to
do when this happened.
Kari knew how much Marcus hated being redirected or
being told he was doing anything wrong. She had almost perfected the sweet and
quiet, mouse like whisper she used whenever confronting him with anything,
almost.
It took only one small thing to set Marcus off and when he
was off, he was off. His best friend Luke couldn't even calm him down most of
the time. Luke warned Kari once, at a bonfire at his house when Marcus had
had a little too much to drink. Kari was confused because at that early stage
in their relationship, Marcus was a complete gentleman, the guy she had fallen
in love with.
Luke lightly touched her shoulder so she would look at him. He
said in the softest voice the large army veteran could muster, “Kari, be
careful. He’s had it rough, his whole life. He doesn't let anyone in. When he
gets upset, man, I've seen him take out a whole group of guys at once for making
‘your mom jokes.” Luke made sure she was still looking at him. He held her cold
tiny right hand in-between his two large callused hands. “I've never seen him
hurt a girl, and I don't think he has or will, but please if I’m there, let me
deal with him.” Kari kind of shrugged off the comment.
It wasn't until he had
returned from drill one weekend, the butt of his captain’s jokes, that he
really went off on her. Kari has never been a great cook, but wanted to make something
special for her army guy. She shyly placed the slightly over cooked grilled cheese
sandwich and a small bowl of thick tomato soup in front of him. She smiled down
at her loving boyfriend, waiting for one of his not so common compliments.
He
poked at the sandwich with a dirty index finger, slightly lifting it with his
thumb, and looked at her with disgust and disdain, “Why can’t you ever do
anything right?” he spat her direction as he pushed the plate away and reached
for his game controller. Kari was shocked and hurt. He had never talked to her that way. No one had ever talked to her that way.
She walked into the kitchen and cried
by the fridge for 15 minutes. He never came to check on her. She was even more
hurt by that. She waited in the kitchen for another 20 minutes to see if he
would even notice she was gone. He waltzed in to get a glass of water and a snack but barely
even looked at her. ”What are you doing in here?” He asked her without a question
in his voice. “Waiting for you to apologize..” She muttered quietly. He halfway glanced up at her, “In the kitchen…?” and walked back into the living room to play his
game.
She decided that he must have had a bad weekend and not to
bother him. She did her homework while he continued to ignore her throughout
the night. When he became tired her told her it was time for bed. She reluctantly
followed him into the messy and poorly lit bedroom. He tried to get cozy with
her on his single bed. She was still upset and did not want anything from him
at the moment, but when she would start to move away he would become angry and
grunt to himself.
He would aggressively turn his body away, throwing it to the
other side of the bed, jostling her where she slept. Kari tried to comfort
him as she rubbed his shoulders. He then turned to her and continued what he
had been trying to accomplish. That had been the way of things ever since then.
She was always wrong. He was always right. Whenever he got angry she would calm
him down. She was never herself again and gave up her individuality to make him
happy.
Since that encounter Luke had congratulated Kari on her
ability to calm Marcus down most times. It wasn't necessarily an achievement
she was proud of. Not many people wanted a raging maniac Hulk monster as a
boyfriend. Kari didn't think that. Not every day. Her friends however hated
the guy. She actually lost all of them to him. He was all she had left.
Kari grew some nerve and pulled her arm away from him as
she quickly walked around the corner, accomplishing her goal. He followed and
of course was angrier then he was before. He threw his arm up between her and
the brick wall, not caring that anyone in the parking lot could see them.
Kari braced herself for what she knew was coming next. Marcus drew his face
very close to hers as he began to yell, splattering her with spit. She needed
to remain interested in what he was saying. Every time she looked away or tried
to ask him to get to the point, he would rant even longer. He was even worse
when he was drunk.
Luckily, they were in public, in sunlight, and people were
beginning to notice. Although Kari was embarrassed, she was rather glad that people
were noticing. Marcus’ brutish rage consumed him but, so did his pride, and he
did care what people thought of him, most days. Marcus managed a fake smile and wave as worried passer byers began to stop and look at the couple.
Marcus was very two faced. Kari preferred to go out and do
things with him in public. Not just the two of them however, because he still
treated her poorly. Whenever she would try to hold his hand walking into the
super market, he would quickly pull it away and make up an excuse.
At parties however,
with mixed company, he was quite the opposite. When a cute stranger would say “Hi.”
to Kari, Marcus would waltz on over, from nowhere, and wrap his arm around
her waist, pulling her close in almost a grotesque way, and introduce himself
as her boyfriend before she could even manage a “Hi, my name is Kari”
Most girls
would whisper in gossipy snotty voices to Kari, and sometimes just to
each other, about how they would hate it if their boyfriends treated them like
that, but Kari secretly liked it. The only time he showed her the shallow affection
and little attention she wanted was when he was being overbearing and overly
protective around other guys. She did hate the fact that he did not trust her
and often embarrassed her, but it was a kind of attention he never gave her at
home.
But going out with Marcus always had consequences. While he
would flirt with every girl insight, telling Kari he was just being friendly, Kari wasn't allowed to talk to a single guy. Her friends would tell her over
and over again that he was flirting with other girls, but Kari had it in her
mind he was just being outgoing and friendly. However, Kari could barely ask
the bartender for a vodka cranberry without her boyfriend accusing her of
flirting or later asking her if she thought he was cute.
He did all of this
while watching from the corner of his eyes, as he talked up the hot blond in the low cut V-neck and pleather skirt,
sucking on a tiny black straw like it was the last drink she'd ever have.
Everywhere they went, and every young guy that crossed their
path would get Kari a question from Marcus. He was like the GPS of ‘cute
college guys.’ “I bet you thought he was cute.” He would tease Kari in a way
that she knew was a trap. No matter how good looking the guy was she would
always have to find a way to deny it. He liked to trap her. “What guy? I was
texting my roommate back. Where did he go?”
She couldn't just say she never saw him anymore. He was
catching on and she would have to get creative. She did get annoyed a few times
and say things along the line of, “Oh yeah, sure, he’s okay.” Or “Yup!” Which in
the end, made it a terrible evening for her, where Marcus would constantly ask
her if she was day dreaming about the hot guy from the mall.
