A Work in Progress

Kari tried to hide her flushed cheeks and mascara smeared eyes from passer byers. She fussed with her green cotton hoodie, pulling the zipper up to her chin as she attempted to balance the two plastic bags in her other hand. If they were heavier she would have put them down, but she knew she didn't have much time. 

A few college aged girls gave her a sidewise glance, probably because she was using her hair as an awkward and unbecoming beard.  They however went back to their conversations as they walked through the automatic doors, complaining about a stuffy old English professor who had given them too much homework. Kari knew she had but moments to compose herself and throw those walls back up she had been so used to using lately.

Kari was never really sure what love felt like. Was this it? She had always imaged a caring, compromising, honest and loving relationship, stuff made from fairy tales. Of course, you and your lover would have a few spats, but you forgave each other quickly, after which you would share a rich chocolate dessert, while he traced your face with his fingers and lovingly comforted you with his consoling eyes.

Kari wished it was like that. In her experience love was more like him yelling at you and blaming you for the mess in the apartment, where you don’t even live, or more frequently for flirting with the guy in the soap aisle. Later on he would mutter something about how he was sorry about what he said, although he still believed you did something wrong, as he tried to make a move in bed. It was never sincere, just enough for him to get by.

She tried to rethink the situation. How did she approach the guy in the soap aisle? Did she smile too widely? Did she stand too closely? Was her gentle touch to his upper bicep a sign of flirtation or comfort when he told her his dad had died last week? Should she not say hi to guys she went to high school with when running into them in public? 

Kari was very confused as to what she did wrong, and couldn't seem to pinpoint it. She finally came to the conclusion that she must have been standing too close. Okay, she knew she was standing too close to this guy she went to high school with.  Maggie should have picked up on that when Marcus thrusted his hand toward Jonathan’s stomach in an aggressive handshaking gesture that seemed to say, ‘Hey, this is my girl. Get your own.’

Kari always reminded herself that she liked men who were straight forward. He wasn't being a jerk he was being a protector. She wasn't going to introduce Marcus as her boyfriend until after she had asked what Jonathan had been up to. Kari thought it was only polite to ask him questions about himself before talking about her own life. 

Maybe that is not something you do anymore when you’re in a relationship? That is why Marcus had been so angry. Well, that made sense, Kari decided. See, she had not thought about how her actions had made Marcus feel. He had felt insignificant, threatened, second best, to this Jonathan from the soap aisle. She had not reassured him as the man in her life.

Kari loved reading the books that her mom had given her when she turned 13 years old, about how to be a supportive and loving spouse. All she wanted in life was to have that loving man. Kari’s mom wished she would find a man to love that would treat her right, unlike her mom’s ex-husband who had never been a part of Kari’s child hood. Although, he made sporadic visits and promised plans that never came true, after reuniting himself with her on her 16^th birthday, Kari never saw him as her father.

Kari felt the swift and cold swoosh of air, as the automatic doors opened and an enraged Marcus came fuming toward her. His red hair was on fire, and fists clenched to his side. His biceps were taut and his face looked like stone, on the verge of cracking. He glared down at her as he approached Kari from the left, blocking the sun she had been standing under. He demanded to know why she had walked away after they had bid Jonathan goodbye in the soap aisle. Kari had prepared herself for this. She looked around her and noticed a young family walking toward them. 

The radiant blonde mother was pushing her newborn baby boy in a stroller and her little girl was skipping as she held hands with her dad, ponytail swaying from side to side. Kari looked cautiously at Marcus and gently urged him with the sweetest voice of honey should could muster, “Sweetie, can we step around the corner here and talk?”

This only seemed to enrage Marcus further. His face became more rigid as before and he scowled down at her and gritted through his teeth, “Are you embarrassed of me? Are you scared these strangers will hear how un-loyal you are?” his voice tones rising with every other word. He turned to the couple and raised his chest in the air in a, ‘Come and get me’ manner, similar to something an ape would do on the discovery channel. They didn't see him, thank God, and walked on through the doors.

 “No, that is not what I said or meant.” Kari tried slowly as she discreetly tried to corral him around the corner by walking around him as she spoke. He caught her elbow and held her tight in place. Kari’s pulse began to rise. The grip was white knuckled and desperate. “Marcus, please. You’re hurting me.” She slowly stated in a calm demeanor, trying not to let her voice shake as she taught herself to do when this happened. 

Kari knew how much Marcus hated being redirected or being told he was doing anything wrong. She had almost perfected the sweet and quiet, mouse like whisper she used whenever confronting him with anything, almost.

It took only one small thing to set Marcus off and when he was off, he was off. His best friend Luke couldn't even calm him down most of the time. Luke warned Kari once, at a bonfire at his house when Marcus had had a little too much to drink. Kari was confused because at that early stage in their relationship, Marcus was a complete gentleman, the guy she had fallen in love with. 

Luke lightly touched her shoulder so she would look at him. He said in the softest voice the large army veteran could muster, “Kari, be careful. He’s had it rough, his whole life. He doesn't let anyone in. When he gets upset, man, I've seen him take out a whole group of guys at once for making ‘your mom jokes.” Luke made sure she was still looking at him. He held her cold tiny right hand in-between his two large callused hands. “I've never seen him hurt a girl, and I don't think he has or will, but please if I’m there, let me deal with him.” Kari kind of shrugged off the comment.

 It wasn't until he had returned from drill one weekend, the butt of his captain’s jokes, that he really went off on her. Kari has never been a great cook, but wanted to make something special for her army guy. She shyly placed the slightly over cooked grilled cheese sandwich and a small bowl of thick tomato soup in front of him. She smiled down at her loving boyfriend, waiting for one of his not so common compliments. 

He poked at the sandwich with a dirty index finger, slightly lifting it with his thumb, and looked at her with disgust and disdain, “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” he spat her direction as he pushed the plate away and reached for his game controller. Kari was shocked and hurt. He had never talked to her that way. No one had ever talked to her that way. 

She walked into the kitchen and cried by the fridge for 15 minutes. He never came to check on her. She was even more hurt by that. She waited in the kitchen for another 20 minutes to see if he would even notice she was gone. He waltzed in to get a glass of water and a snack but barely even looked at her. ”What are you doing in here?” He asked her without a question in his voice. “Waiting for you to apologize..” She muttered quietly. He halfway glanced up at her, “In the kitchen…?” and walked back into the living room to play his game.

She decided that he must have had a bad weekend and not to bother him. She did her homework while he continued to ignore her throughout the night. When he became tired her told her it was time for bed. She reluctantly followed him into the messy and poorly lit bedroom. He tried to get cozy with her on his single bed. She was still upset and did not want anything from him at the moment, but when she would start to move away he would become angry and grunt to himself. 

He would aggressively turn his body away, throwing it to the other side of the bed, jostling her where she slept. Kari tried to comfort him as she rubbed his shoulders. He then turned to her and continued what he had been trying to accomplish. That had been the way of things ever since then. 

She was always wrong. He was always right. Whenever he got angry she would calm him down. She was never herself again and gave up her individuality to make him happy.

Since that encounter Luke had congratulated Kari on her ability to calm Marcus down most times. It wasn't necessarily an achievement she was proud of. Not many people wanted a raging maniac Hulk monster as a boyfriend. Kari didn't think that. Not every day. Her friends however hated the guy. She actually lost all of them to him. He was all she had left.

Kari grew some nerve and pulled her arm away from him as she quickly walked around the corner, accomplishing her goal. He followed and of course was angrier then he was before. He threw his arm up between her and the brick wall, not caring that anyone in the parking lot could see them. 

Kari braced herself for what she knew was coming next. Marcus drew his face very close to hers as he began to yell, splattering her with spit. She needed to remain interested in what he was saying. Every time she looked away or tried to ask him to get to the point, he would rant even longer. He was even worse when he was drunk. 

Luckily, they were in public, in sunlight, and people were beginning to notice. Although Kari was embarrassed, she was rather glad that people were noticing. Marcus’ brutish rage consumed him but, so did his pride, and he did care what people thought of him, most days. Marcus managed a fake smile and wave as worried passer byers began to stop and look at the couple.

Marcus was very two faced. Kari preferred to go out and do things with him in public. Not just the two of them however, because he still treated her poorly. Whenever she would try to hold his hand walking into the super market, he would quickly pull it away and make up an excuse. 

At parties however, with mixed company, he was quite the opposite. When a cute stranger would say “Hi.” to Kari, Marcus would waltz on over, from nowhere, and wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her close in almost a grotesque way, and introduce himself as her boyfriend before she could even manage a “Hi, my name is Kari” 

Most girls would whisper in gossipy snotty voices to Kari, and sometimes just to each other, about how they would hate it if their boyfriends treated them like that, but Kari secretly liked it. The only time he showed her the shallow affection and little attention she wanted was when he was being overbearing and overly protective around other guys. She did hate the fact that he did not trust her and often embarrassed her, but it was a kind of attention he never gave her at home.

But going out with Marcus always had consequences. While he would flirt with every girl insight, telling Kari he was just being friendly, Kari wasn't allowed to talk to a single guy. Her friends would tell her over and over again that he was flirting with other girls, but Kari had it in her mind he was just being outgoing and friendly. However, Kari could barely ask the bartender for a vodka cranberry without her boyfriend accusing her of flirting or later asking her if she thought he was cute. 

He did all of this while watching from the corner of his eyes, as he talked up the hot blond in the low cut V-neck and pleather skirt, sucking on a tiny black straw like it was the last drink she'd ever have.

Everywhere they went, and every young guy that crossed their path would get Kari a question from Marcus. He was like the GPS of ‘cute college guys.’ “I bet you thought he was cute.” He would tease Kari in a way that she knew was a trap. No matter how good looking the guy was she would always have to find a way to deny it. He liked to trap her. “What guy? I was texting my roommate back. Where did he go?”

She couldn't just say she never saw him anymore. He was catching on and she would have to get creative. She did get annoyed a few times and say things along the line of, “Oh yeah, sure, he’s okay.” Or “Yup!” Which in the end, made it a terrible evening for her, where Marcus would constantly ask her if she was day dreaming about the hot guy from the mall.